Tuesday, 3 March 2015

Tarquin has 432 biscuits.....

Do you remember those old maths problems at school? Pages and pages of them which rendered the pupil almost comatose with boredom and non-comprehension.
"If it takes Tam two days to dig a trench at £6.60 minimum wage, how long does it take before his piece break gets longer and his attitude begins to stink a bit?"

Say Tarquin had 432 biscuits.
Now, if he ate them all, he would be setting himself up nicely for morbid obesity, tooth decay, stroke, diabetes and being thought of as a greedy pig.

Say Tam had no biscuits.
If Tarquin were to share his stash, technically Tam could have 216 biscuits but only if Tarquin agreed to share. The onus being on Tarquin's willingness to find it in his heart and conscience to share his biscuits with Tam.
If Tam was a tenant farmer, Tarquin might compare his biscuits to something unreasonable, say a comparison between Tesco basic-buy biscuits to Organic Fancy-Pants Originals dipped in artisan chocolate which has passed through the intestine of a rare civet cat.
Tarquin would then demand Tam was responsible for 432 fancy biscuits which would come out of Tam's income, Tarquin would hog the lot then ramp Tam's rent up using the threat of the Land Court and a Life Of Hell.
If Tam's wife wanted to diversify and make her own biscuits, Tarquin could and would demand half of her profit then try to terrify her if she tried to complain. Tam's wife would pay tax on her biscuits yet Tarquin........
Tam would have to be jolly well thankful for Tarquin's non sharing of the biscuits but secretly Tam hoped that a large dog would come and scoff the biscuits when Tarquin was gazing over 'his' vast expanses of bleak grouse moorland, mountains and rivers. He hoped the large dog would take a chunk from Tarquin's gluteus maximus as it was growing in size with all those biscuits.

Tarquin could share with 431 others and if they halved their biscuits, 862 people could enjoy their sweet, buttery delights. Apology if my maths are out a bit. I gazed out of the school window a lot.

On the other hand, Tarquin could hog the lot and say his family had always owned lots of biscuits as they had 'relocated' other people's biscuits, historically, to amass a stockpile except their biscuits lay in a fousty, mouldering heap, quite inedible as they had not been kept very well.
Tarquin felt he was entitled to his 432 biscuits therefore did not have to justify his stash to anyone.

Tam and his fellow workmates were sick of the minimum wage, sick and tired of Tarquin's unreasonable and selfish behaviour. Tam's kith and kin saw a future whereby abody had a biscuit, hell, Tam and his workmates could supply the raw ingredients, the wheat, eggs, milk and butter, there was no reason why everyone could not have a biscuit. The biscuit would be plain at first but with work, variety could be introduced.

Other biscuitless people from town and country empathised with Tam and realised they wanted a biscuit too. They wanted to escape the urban sprawl and enjoy their biscuit in the fresh country air. They had fresh, new ideas on the type of biscuit they wanted to taste.

Tarquin freaked out at the thought of his biscuits shared by the many as opposed to being hogged by the few. The Biscuitless people met and discussed how to share the stash, bloodlessly, given that it is now 2015 and Things Have Moved On.

So, good people. The biscuits are out there, no more will be made, they are precious and need tender care but they will reap great benefit if shared out equally.

We just need to teach Tarquin how to open his hand and share.


  1. I should just build a guillotine, myself....

  2. A firework up the posterior would speed things along nicely. :)

  3. I like both these suggestions and would recommend they were used simultaneously for maximum impact :)

  4. And I shall need a new keyboard along with a new pot of coffee after reading this. The comments are as good as the post!

  5. It doesn't seem to occur to the Tarquins of the world, that historically, ignoring peaceful requests for a biscuit or two tends to result in people smacking them down and taking the whole tin. The worrying thing is that a lot of other people suffer along with them.

    Oh, and Tarquin? We'd like a biscuit too...

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