Wednesday, 15 December 2010

Birthday greetings

Happy Birthday.

I have never forgotten the date, your birthday falls in that curious thirteenth sign of the zodiac, Ophiuchus. The odd one, the maverick.

I think of you now and again and think back to a time quite long ago when we were both so much younger.

You were extremely clever. You could create marvellous creations from stone and you understood it's grain and flaws and how to cut it in order to reveal a side which had never been seen by the human eye for a millenia.
Yes, you were good at that.

Do you remember how you used to visit me almost every day when I lay flat in the antisceptic confines of the hospital bed, trying to hold on to our unborn child? Trying not to let his tiny soul slip from my wonb?

Well, he was tenacious and a fighter. He held on and decided to make his debut at Christmas. His birthday is easy to remember; he shares it with the Baby Jesus.

We seemed to go on different roads after that, you and I? You, away with one of the nurses who looked after me and I, with our tiny on a journey filled with the fear of the unknown.

You missed all the milestones - the first time he smiled at me, his first few steps on his first birthday, first day at school.....all those sort of things.

He did ask about you and I told him the truth.
I never put you down as I felt that a child should not grow up with a mental image of an ogre or enemy. Life is confusing enough to a child without the creation of monsters.
I never glorified you either. Just explained the type of person you were and how you saw the world using different eyes from mine.
He stopped asking eventually.

I have a good present for you.
Here is a huge strapping lad, smart, funny, polite, compassionate, very talented at music. (You should have seen how I cried with pride when he piped at Rememberance Day).
He is so loving and kind and he tries his best to understand when life throws all those maverick cards which it holds close to it's chest.

You can feel proud of him.

Gone are the years of struggle, of moving house to try and get a better job so he had the things he needed, gone are the nights of loneliness when he was asleep and there was nobody to talk to, the dire poverty and making do.

We managed together, we bonded like glue and he realised that I was always there for him. I was his security and that was a solid foundation for him to progress. We did it together.

I see you every day. Your face looks back at me, his eyes, your eyes.

I wish you well.

And thank you for the most precious gift of our son.

1 comment:

  1. This post really resonates with me in a very personal way. When I was pregnant with my first child, my partner and the father of this child left me to get to the hospital alone whilst he went to a party. I had to wait all night and the next day to find out if the baby was ectopic. Thank God, she was not.

    Her father never really came back from that party, and when I was 5 months pregnant I saw him for the last time. He has never met his daughter or seen all the milestones. Like you I am my daughters constant. We are bonded in a deep way, our blood is beating to the same beat.

    We gained a gentle, kind man who did want to be her father and then two brothers. My hate has simmered and cooled to a thankfulness. Despite him leaving I am so grateful we had our time and made HER and she also has his eyes. I too wish him well.
    Thank you for your beautiful writing.